Have you heard about the 3-D porno? All of China is abuzz with rumors about Hong Kong’s newest movie sensation. Of course it’s totally and 100% completely banned behind the Great Firewall, but on opening weekend in Hong Kong it broke records and grossed more than Avatar.
Guess what I did on my trip to Hong Kong?
I’ve done a lot of activities solo in my day. I have no problem eating at a restaurant alone, going to the beach alone, hell, I even moved to a new city without knowing a single soul, but going to watch a pornographic movie, in a theater no less, all by my lonesome has to be the strangest. I wondered if it would look weird; a lone white girl at a porno on a Sunday night.
Still, everyone is talking about this movie in China and nobody can watch it. Tour companies are even creating organized tours to Hong Kong for people to see The Film. Could I really pass up a bragging opportunity like that? No I could not, so off to the theater I went to see Sex and Zen: EXTREME Ecstasy.
Make no mistake: this is a mainstream movie. The theater I went to was also showing Scream 4, Little Red Riding Hood and whatever that terrible looking movie with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston is. I thought I would feel creepy, but the place was so crowded nobody looked twice at me. The crowd was mostly couples and groups of young people, but some white haired folks too. Oh and by the way, I was CARDED on my way into the theater. Hopefully by the time I start writing Thirty-Something travel I will look at least 18.
Once inside the theater I learned that it was apparently BYO3DG (Bring Your Own 3-D Glasses). Really? Is that a thing now? Everyone else seemed prepared, nonchalantly pulling out their personal 3-D spectacles. Luckily I could buy a pair at concessions for $6 Hong Kong
The nice thing about movie theaters in Asia is you can reserve your seat online. Back in my room I had strategically selected a seat far enough away from other people to not be weird, but on an aisle in case I needed an easy escape. Too my consternation I still ended up sitting next to a couple, and with a weirdly tall guy in front of me obscuring the English subtitles.
But you don’t need subtitles to look at boobs. Giant, three dimensional boobs that flopped towards the audience. The film is an adaptation of a classical Chinese novel, The Carnal Prayer Mat, written in 1657, which totally makes sense because everyone knows that old books are the dirtiest. It follows a young scholar as he abandons his wife and descends into an underworld of sex and violence.
The first half started off well enough- kind of a slapstick comedy with some sex thrown in. The main character bumbles along in his quest to become a sex god, with many jokes centering around his tiny manhood and lack of stamina. At one point he has his penis surgically removed and replaced with that of a donkey. Crude yes, but also kind of hilarious and the audience was roaring with laughter.
By the way, the term “porno” is being used fairly loosely here. I’m no expert, but this film definitely falls on the “soft core” side of the spectrum. While there’s a great deal of female nudity and some very shrill fake orgasms, the movie is definitely devoid of any explicit hard core sex. Considering the cast is made up of mainstream Hong Kong actors (with a few Japanese AV starts thrown in for good measure), the chances of actually seeing two people have real sex were pretty low to start with.
Right when the movie had lulled me in with it’s raunchy humor, the second hour took a dark turn. A REALLY dark turn. Several people who we’ve come to identify with (male and female) are violently raped or murdered. One girl is literally, umm, bonked to death. This isn’t done in a funny way, granted it’s pretty hard to rape someone humorously. During one weird sexual torture scene I almost walked out of the theater. This movie wasn’t fun anymore, it was just… disturbing.
SPOILER ALERT: In the end the now-castrated hero and his long-lost wife (who has been tortured, raped repeatedly then locked inside a chastity belt), do get to live happily ever after. They’ve learned that you don’t need to have sex to be in love. Seriously. This is the moral of the world’s first 3-D erotic film. Basically, it was the world’s longest, most explicit abstinence PSA.
I left the theater feeling pretty bewildered. I’m not really sure what to make of this movie or it’s incredible popularity. On the one hand the novelty of watching people get it on in three dimensions is kind of cool. On the other…. ugh. What should have been novel and harmless fun ended up being pretty unpleasant.
Considering the runaway success of this movie though, I’m pretty sure you can expect to see 3-D pornography popping up at a theater near you. Just remember to bring your own 3-D glasses, I don’t think you’re going to want to touch the used ones.
